My emotions runneth over

When Phoenix was born we found out he was jaundiced. He was born at 8 lbs 1.4 ounces, but by the time we left the hospital he was 7.5. In two days when we went to his pediatrician to check his bilirubin levels he had dropped down to 7.2 and for the next two weeks we went back and forth to the doctor for weight checks. We started formula, we stopped formula, we started formula, and we stopped. Back and forth we went for two weeks. Finally at his two week appointment our doctor told us that I was unable to breastfeed. He said because of my breast reduction surgery 5 years before I wasn’t able to produce enough milk to satisfy my little Fin. When he told me, I tried everything I could to not break down in his office but I couldn’t help it. I felt like a failure. I felt selfish and ill-prepared. I cried and cried and cried. Shawn did his best to make me feel better but I knew this wasn’t something he could understand. But I picked myself up I called my mom’s mid-wife (smile) and I took a vitamin store worth of herbs, and I (sort a kind of) conquered it. More on this in another post.

Last Thursday I was watching Grey’s Anatomy and Private Practice and both were about dying little boys. I was holding Phoenix trying to put him to sleep and I cried and cried as I watched TV and praying “God please don’t let anything happen to him. I couldn’t bare it.”
In the months that this 13 pound little dictator arrived I’ve found myself feeling much more than I’ve ever felt before. I’m more sensitive to everything, I cry when I think about him going to kindergarten and even him drinking from a sippy cup (yes that started the water works the other night). Now don’t get me wrong. I’m excited to see all of these new things, but with every new thing brings him closer to the day he’ll be standing up front at the altar promising forever to someone. Kind of makes me sad, kind of makes me want to have another baby soon too (not too soon though). I think being a mother has brought all of my feeling right to the surface and constantly spilling over at any moment. Being a mother brings on weird paranoia. Could the cradle cap infection leakage (yes, gross!) be a brain fluid? Could he have Benjamin Button’s syndrome? Will teaching him baby sign language delay his speech? But then being a mother brings on all of those wonderful dreams and goals you want to set for your baby…but we’ll leave that for another post.

I hope I'm not the only crazy mom who feels like, but if so...crazy is a title I guess I'll just have to take :-)