Today was one of those days. I'm not a morning person at all so sometimes the slightest things can make my day just go downhill. So bad start to a morning, messy bedroom, barking dog, laundry to the ceiling. Then my afternoon is high jacked by the overwhelming need to hit the people I work with in the head with a book! UGH! So I'm plodding my way through my day and my mom texts me to remind me to set up Phoenix's appointment with the GI specialist (Thanks mom because I would have totally forgotten!) I call and I'm on hold for about 20 minutes and I get on the phone set my appointment up and then the receptionist says that his appointment is with the nurse practitioner who specializes in failure to thrive...and BAM! There it was, smack in my face. Is Phoenix really failing to thrive? I wanted to list all of his accomplishments and milestones he's met, he even started talking and doing his little screech while I was on the phone and I kind of hoped she would have heard him and said "Wow! He sounds pretty good". I would think a baby failing to thrive would not be as vocal as he is.....But she didn't say that. So for the rest of the afternoon I Google (dontcha love Google?) FTT and start getting really discouraged.
Since he's been born, obviously I've known he hasn't been gaining weight at the pace he should be, but then I'm comforted hearing from Shawn's mom that he was like this as a baby, and from my mom that he is defiantly thriving and even from the doctor. But then you hear the receptionist say "Failure to Thrive" or the other moms at Gymboree and church and the doctors office "Oh wow, he's sooo tiny" and I just smile and say "Yeah he is, but he's long. See!?" What I really want to say is "Well lady, your baby looks like she's 2 and she's 13 weeks/6 months/9 months old!"
Honestly though, I'm scared. I'm scared that all those irrational fears that I used to wake Shawn with in the middle of the night when I was pregnant are coming true. Does he have his leg muscles? Could he be albino? What is the cyst doesn't go away? What if all the TV I watched while he was in utero (another favorite word of mine) affects him? Could that be why he's not gaining weight? It's crazy and paranoid but he's my baby and I worry and I want the best for him. I'm scared that we should have listened to his first pediatrician and not breastfeed and that maybe we should have had test done way back when and maybe caught this problem sooner.
And now all I want to do is curl up in bed until his appointment (March 2nd) and pretend like this couldn't be a reality. But I can't I'm a mom, I have to be a grown-up (gosh darn it! Mommmmmmy!!!) I have 150,000 loads of laundry to fold and put away and files to call on. So I'll do what I know will always work. I'll put it in God's hands. He's much bigger then me anyhow and I know he'll handle it better then I will.