Mommy guilt is a bitch....

After I delivered Phoenix I was so sleepy it wasn't even fathomable. That first night in the hospital after all of our visitors left it was just the three of us in the room. We literally both sat on the edge of the bed and peered down at him for the longest time. I think it was about 11 before we finally went to bed. And then about an hour after I had fallen asleep I was awoken by all this commotion! It was Shawn changing the baby and Phoenix was just screaming his head off "How long has he been awake?" I asked as I painstakingly tried to sit up (tearing in like a million places is a bitch!) "A few minutes" Shawn replied and that pulled me up completely! "What?!" I screeched. My first night as a mommy and I sleep through my baby waking up. How could I? What kind of mother was I? I cried...I couldn't believe. Shawn, ever the loving husband finishes changing our little Fin and sits down with me and tells me that it's ok and completely understandable. I was in labor for 21 hours and slept for maybe 2 of those hours. I was entitled to sleep. But I couldn't shake the feeling that one of my first test as a mother and I fail miserably! I vowed from that moment that I would never sleep soundly again. I never wanted to miss him waking up. Mommy guilt is a bitch....

After the first few weeks at home some days would be good and other days I would cry the minute Shawn walked in....I was a bad mom that day. I got to caught up in figure out to make my extra large boobs produce the needed milk for my baby. I was obsessed with all kinds of breastfeeding websites and message boards. I poured over my copy of The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding searching for answers. By the end of the day I was tired and sad and realized that I hadn't spent any time staring at Phoenix and I felt guilty. Maybe I missed something. What if he smiled and I was to busy on kellymom.com to notice it? Mommy guilt is a bitch...

Then he's 3 months old for the past few nights has been sleeping hell! Up almost every hour, we just can't figure it out. Finally a week after this I realize he doesn't feel well! He has a terribly runny nose, a cough. Poor little Fin. The reason for all the waking is because he can't sleep and is totally congested. Wow...I'm a great mom...Here my baby is sick and I'm to dense to figure that out. I think he's just being a normal baby refusing to sleep. He goes a week not getting the TLC he needs...Mommy guilt is a bitch...

6 months old- We're cutting teeth. Does it dawn on me to give him infant Motrin? Yes, yes it does. But do I realize that he can't get the same dose as he did at his TWO month shots? No, no it doesn't. So yet again my baby is teething without pain meds for a few days...Thank God for the Yaya....Mommy guilt is a bitch.

Fast forward 7 months and 3 weeks later and that mommy guilt still creeps in from time to time. Some days it's loud and raring in my ear. Other times I push it out. I want so much to do my best at being a mom. But I think I sometimes I get so caught up in figuring out how to be a good mom and provide all the best, that I miss just being a mom. Remember my post from the other day? Scouring the web almost every free moment research the absolute best Maclaren, researching the best deal for Robeez, the best way to get rid of devil rash, how often to read to him, baby sign vs just teaching him words. You get the picture right? Anyhow mommy guilt, like I said is a bitch. But I trudge on day after day determined to make up for my short comings the day before. Hmmm...Mommy guilt is a bitch.

I think this again was another rambling of nothing to wasn't it? Geeze.