Mommy guilt is a bitch....

After I delivered Phoenix I was so sleepy it wasn't even fathomable. That first night in the hospital after all of our visitors left it was just the three of us in the room. We literally both sat on the edge of the bed and peered down at him for the longest time. I think it was about 11 before we finally went to bed. And then about an hour after I had fallen asleep I was awoken by all this commotion! It was Shawn changing the baby and Phoenix was just screaming his head off "How long has he been awake?" I asked as I painstakingly tried to sit up (tearing in like a million places is a bitch!) "A few minutes" Shawn replied and that pulled me up completely! "What?!" I screeched. My first night as a mommy and I sleep through my baby waking up. How could I? What kind of mother was I? I cried...I couldn't believe. Shawn, ever the loving husband finishes changing our little Fin and sits down with me and tells me that it's ok and completely understandable. I was in labor for 21 hours and slept for maybe 2 of those hours. I was entitled to sleep. But I couldn't shake the feeling that one of my first test as a mother and I fail miserably! I vowed from that moment that I would never sleep soundly again. I never wanted to miss him waking up. Mommy guilt is a bitch....

After the first few weeks at home some days would be good and other days I would cry the minute Shawn walked in....I was a bad mom that day. I got to caught up in figure out to make my extra large boobs produce the needed milk for my baby. I was obsessed with all kinds of breastfeeding websites and message boards. I poured over my copy of The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding searching for answers. By the end of the day I was tired and sad and realized that I hadn't spent any time staring at Phoenix and I felt guilty. Maybe I missed something. What if he smiled and I was to busy on kellymom.com to notice it? Mommy guilt is a bitch...

Then he's 3 months old for the past few nights has been sleeping hell! Up almost every hour, we just can't figure it out. Finally a week after this I realize he doesn't feel well! He has a terribly runny nose, a cough. Poor little Fin. The reason for all the waking is because he can't sleep and is totally congested. Wow...I'm a great mom...Here my baby is sick and I'm to dense to figure that out. I think he's just being a normal baby refusing to sleep. He goes a week not getting the TLC he needs...Mommy guilt is a bitch...

6 months old- We're cutting teeth. Does it dawn on me to give him infant Motrin? Yes, yes it does. But do I realize that he can't get the same dose as he did at his TWO month shots? No, no it doesn't. So yet again my baby is teething without pain meds for a few days...Thank God for the Yaya....Mommy guilt is a bitch.

Fast forward 7 months and 3 weeks later and that mommy guilt still creeps in from time to time. Some days it's loud and raring in my ear. Other times I push it out. I want so much to do my best at being a mom. But I think I sometimes I get so caught up in figuring out how to be a good mom and provide all the best, that I miss just being a mom. Remember my post from the other day? Scouring the web almost every free moment research the absolute best Maclaren, researching the best deal for Robeez, the best way to get rid of devil rash, how often to read to him, baby sign vs just teaching him words. You get the picture right? Anyhow mommy guilt, like I said is a bitch. But I trudge on day after day determined to make up for my short comings the day before. Hmmm...Mommy guilt is a bitch.

I think this again was another rambling of nothing to wasn't it? Geeze.

Being prepared...ha!

I was in labor for 21 hours. I went in for my regular weekly check up on a Thursday and didn't exit until Sunday afternoon. It was 21 hours of looooong grueling labor. No pain meds. I did ask for a gun at some point which of course they didn't give me and repeatedly asked to please, please, please go home. My labor was induced because at my appointment that afternoon Phoenix's heart rate dropped for about 4 seconds, but because I was a week from my due date my OB decided to induce me anyhow. What I found out later was she was worried about me going home and something happening over the weekend. Just that week she had another preggers lady and her baby with a slow heart rate and that baby died :-( so she was airing on the side of caution.....Moving right along. So because I was not planning on having a baby that day (or rather the next day) I wasn't completely ready. I had laundry in the middle of my living room and I still didn't have everything I needed. That day we even skipped lunch because we were running late and made plans to eat at Panera after my appointment. So I go in expecting to leave right out and of course that didn't happen. They wheeled me up to L&D and laid in the bed in the triage room while they monitored me and kept repeating Shawn "I'm not ready, I'm not ready, this can't be happening now"I thought of all the things that still need to be done, how I hadn't re-read key parts in my Bradley Method book or Womanly Art of Breastfeeding.
I just simply wasn't ready. I cried and cried and begged the Lord to just keep him in for one more week. And then before I knew it they were wheeling me to my room.

Flash forward he's 4 months old and my mom is saying "Al this baby is so ready for some food" What? I wasn't ready for that either! I hadn't done enough research on making my own baby food. I thought I had until 6 months to start that...nope, not when your 4 month old is trying to eat every thing he sees and I don't just mean the remote. He knew the difference between OJ and a cell phone. The difference between a cheeseburger and teething ring. And he knew the OJ and cheeseburger would give him pure eating bliss. So I gave in and we started solids. But I wasn't all together prepared...but it worked and he loves them.

I guess the point I'm trying to get at is in my 7.5 month journey as a mommy I often feel ill prepared for everything that is happening. But I guess no real amount of planning could prepare you for this. I read tons of things on labor and delivery and nothing prepared me for the challenge that was ahead of me. No amount of message board mommy help, books articles or baby center bulletins can set your mind at ease.

Wow....that was a whole post of rambling nothings wasn't it?

Silent Sunday

Paranoia strikes again

As most of you know actress Natasha Richardson died from a brain injury. Yesterday or today (not sure which, the days kind of blend together now) I was watching the Today Show and there were a lot of reports about Natasha Richardson being fine after the accident and the doctor they interviewed was explaining how a brain injury was like being punched in the arm. Right away there may not be a visible sign but within a few hours there would be. Well I put it out of my mind and didn't think anymore of it until about an hour ago. After reading she had died I was explaining to Shawn about what the doctor was saying and then it hit me! Oh no Phoenix fell down on his head at least 5 times today. That's the catch-22 with all these new baby developments. It's very exciting watching him be able to explore and move about on his own. But of course you have to keep an eagle eye out for him. Every 2 minutes he's jetting for the steps or the coffee table. He also has this crazy fascination with the electrical sockets. Pulling himself up on the dishwasher, the couch, the laundry basket. You get the picture. I know, I know you are probably wondering why I don't just baby proof? Well without going into all the details we got a great deal on a great house and like the spontaneous lovers of change (although we didn't vote for Obama) people we are we decided to jump on it. So we're moving in a week and it doesn't make sense to go around and baby proof everything only to have to remove all the gates and such in a few days. So instead I just decide to spend me day chasing after him and screaming "Ah! No Phoenix! Mommy said no!"

So anyway I'm in the middle of telling Shawn about brain injuries when it occurs to me that Phoenix is now falling down all the time. So of course being the crazy paranoid mommy I am (have I ever told you the albino story or brain leakage story?) I start to get freaked out and asking Shawn if Phoenix could have an undiagnosed brain injury. Of course being the husband he is he starts to calm my irrational fears with a science experiment. He takes out an egg and a paper towel and drops them both on my semi clean (house cleaner comes tomorrow. yay) counters. He explains that babies skulls are more flexible then adults and when they hit a hard surface it's a little more flexible then a rigid adult skull. That helps a little, but I still can't help but wonder if in the new house I should pad all the floors with that stuff they have at like mall play areas or better yet just get him a helmet. But a cool one with like cool rocker punk stickers.

Devil Rash

Last weekend and this week has brought us the diaper rash from hell! It came raring it's ugly head, yellow teeth, and eyes like fire on Sunday morning, (ironic huh?) when Phoenix was staying the weekend with his Yaya and Papouli. My mom called and I could hear him screaming his poor little head off. At church he seemed to be fine, just like he wanted his Mommy. Sunday night I stopped by my parents and he was very clingy, but a few potato pieces cured that right away! But then yesterday (good Grandparents. He gets to stay for 2 whole days! Yay sleep! Yay finally putting away laundry!) my brother Troy calls (aka Uncle Pimp (lol)) and says I need to get right over. When I get there he gives me the greatest biggest kisses. He's literally holding my head and kissing me all over my face! I LOOOOVED it.

We eventually come home and I let him air his little bottom out and of course he does poop (which looked just like baby peas) but luckily it was while he was laying down on the towel. But I feel so bad for him because his butt is so red and raw and even bleeding. :-( My poor love monkey!

This morning he's in better moods. He even crawled up to the 2nd step today!

Silent Sunday

Poop patrol

How much poop is to much poop? That's been my Mommy question of the week. As you know Phoenix has had trouble gaining as much weight as the doctors want him to. We've started him on Prevacid and that has cut down on his spitting up which he was doing after every meal (minus breast milk meals). But this week I've been kind of mentally tracking his poops and just about every other diaper is a poopy diaper! What goes in must come out right? So if he's having all these poops does that mean he's not holding in what he should? And how about the fact that it is the smelliest poops ever! When he was strictly breast feed his poop had a really nice smell to it! Seriously, Shawn and I both loved it! But now...OH BOY! It should be illegal!

His follow up with his pedi is on April 1st (April fools day so I hope the receptionist didn't set up a bogus prank appointment) so I'm going to check with her then and see if he's pooping way to much.

Hmmm...how many times did I say POOP in this post? Being a mommy is pure glam!!!!!!

Finzilla

Poor little Phoenix woke up this morning like he was a causality on The Bad Girls Club.
This morning at about 6:30 AM Charlotte starts barking like a maniac and I just roll over and ignore her. Then Phoenix starts wailing and luckily Shawn gets up to check on him. He never comes back in tells me what's up but it was pretty rough and gross morning with the dog and when he does come back he says "Phoenix scratched his eye". Groggily I kiss the little Finster and we cuddle for a few more hours. It wasn't until after my mom called and woke me up that I realized the extent of his eye "scratching" it was more like someone whacked him in his eye!

Shawn was just saying the night before that he was a baby Godzilla. Hence his new nickname Finzilla. He just goes around and terrorizes things. Now that he can pull himself up on everything he pulls himself up to the TV and just bangs on it. He crawls around growling and screeching at his toy monkey's. He is truly the definition of a boy. I can't wait to see him walking with his long curly hair in his punk rocker baby tee's! He's going to be scrumptious! Oh and did I mention he has two little teeth now? Another weapon to attack me with! And he's also being saying Dada for the last week so he crawls around all day saying "Dada, Dada, Dada! " And when I say crawls. I mean full crawls. Not those little things scootching across the floor. But up on all 4 move arms and legs crawling EVERYWHERE!

Christmas morning every day

Being a mommy for me is like Christmas morning (sometimes it's like ground hog day, but that's another topic for another day). When I was a just wee little girl I always looked forward to Christmas morning. My family was pretty lucky that no matter what we always got what we asked for and usually a lot more. Well with the exception of that one time that I didn't get that Enrique Iglesias CD. Christmas morning always held such promise. I would wake up each year at the knowledge of knowing something awesome was waiting for me to discover it under the tree. And when Christmas day was over I went to bed equally as excited as the night before, because I knew the next morning there would be more details to discover with my new gifts.

So how is this like motherhood (for me) ? Well ever since Phoenix has been born as sleep deprived as I am and as much house or work things I have to do that day I always wake up in a good mood. I wake up earlier then I like, but yet I have this huge smile on my face because I know Phoenix is waiting for me. Everyday with having a baby brings something new. The first time they laugh or smile. The first time they even poop up the back (and can you believe we've been lucky to only have maybe 10 of those his whole life! He poops a lot during the day, but it's not these huge poop explosions!). The first time he taste juice or a french fry. It's all so exciting because each new thing grounds him more to this world making it feel realer each day. Make sense? Some times I even have to stop myself from waking him up just to see him.

Welcome Back

I know I've been completely MIA lately. Phoenix has been literally allllllll over the place! Crawling, pulling himself, up, squealing, teething, laughing! Every time I think I have a few free minutes to blog I look down and there he is pulling Charlotte's ear or trying to go up the stairs!

We had our GI appointment this week and it didn't bring us any closer to a theory on why he's small. All the nurse practitioner did was give us a prescription for Prevacid. And told us to start doing 5 scoops of formula and 8 oz of water. Well thanks Nurse Practitioner Lindsay because all that has done is made him throw up. She also suggested we feed him more often. To which I replied "If I feed him anymore, I would never get to pee" I still feed this little kid as often as he wants, which is pretty much all the time! We left feeling really annoyed. They want us to come back in a month for blood work, but honestly I don't want to. It's called MommyTution. And I don't feel there is anything wrong with my baby. Shawn and I laid hands on him last night and we are going to leave it in God's hand. He's happy, thriving, mobile. He's fine!!!!

Well I think I'm coming down with something. My whole body aches, my throat is scratchy and I'm so tired I don't even want to stay up and watch my shows (which is HUGE for me!) So until next time. I'll get around to posting some new pictures of Phoenix soon.